Change in the Wind

Change in the wind

I seriously don't know what is up with me lately. I have been so moody and easily depressed. Granted I know I have a major issue with depression and things of that sort but it just seems like I could slip into a sad day at any moment. Let me tell you... It Sucks!!! Big Time!

Medication doesn't seem to help lately and other pick me ups seem like a temporary band-aid instead of knocking some sense in me to be happy and carefree. 

To those of you that read this, It really is just ramblings. Whatever I happen to be feeling that day is what I write about... scary? yes. Depressing... Yes although only lately.

But I have a theory.

Every time I have major changes quickly approaching in my life, I tend to shut down. I am much more pensive, constantly looking inward and never finding qualities to justify the good that happens in my life. I begin writing more, anything and everything I feel I just spill onto pages that will never be read again because I know that emotionally I am a train wreck waiting to happen.

I'm sure my friends notice but I tend to hide, I don't want attention and the last thing I want yet I desperately need is someone to talk things through with. I know there are many others out there that feel the same things I do. That is part of being human and learning to rely upon others. This life is much to short to travel and struggle through alone. 

Yet I'm not sure I believe it. 

I have always felt that my problems and trials are for me to deal with and I can't bring myself to burden others with things I feel. Yes I realize that is what counselors are for but even worse than burdening my friends, is trusting my fears and insecurities to a complete stranger. Especially in the world we live in. Secrets are no longer safe in the professional world. 

Ethics and moral conduct are replaced by how can I use this to propel my career and bring down rivals? Its disgusting and sad. I promise that is my only rant on this post. I don't have the spitfire attitude today and I am barely making it through the day.

But back to my theory, I know I have digressed majorly. but anyway. In the coming months I will be graduating with my first degree and then I face an unknown future. I know where I am going to go but how can I leave everything I've known? How can I face the future with such courage as I have seen all my friends do? I know that I am a creature of habit and I am very comfortable being well within my comfort zone. Anything beyond that I try to avoid. 

It reminds me of a story I had heard several years ago.

A father was walking along the beach with his young daughter. They spent all day at the beach and now as it was approaching sunset, the sky was ablaze with various shades of pink, orange and gold as the last rays of the setting sun ran through the clouds like fingers in the sand.

"Isn't that the most beautiful sunset you have seen?" The father asked.
"I only see brown." His daughter replied.
Naturally this caught the father off guard. "Look at the reds and golds of the sun, it is incredible."
"Nope just brown." The little girl replied. Her father looked down at her and she was holding a tiny pebble up to her eye and that was the only thing she could see.

We are like that so many times. I know I am. I look at all my problems instead of focusing on the blessings I have been given by my Father in Heaven. He has created so many things and yet all I see is the brown of my problems. Which when I have eventually overcome them, they become just a tiny pebble.

Life is meant to be enjoyed. The unknown is exciting and different. As I have faith in my Father in Heaven, He will never let me fall.

And trust and friendship and important to me, even if I have problems. But deep down the way I see it is...

We are all one winged angels, and the reason we have one wing, is because we need each other to fly.

So let Him help you fly...

Looking in the Mirror

Looking in the Mirror

My life has just gotten busier and busier. But a good kind of busy. My life is school and school is my life. Other than that I don't have much time for anything. 

I am a tutor for the college and I love helping others. I have the capacity and capability to do so much good but it's all about time management and priorities. If my priorities aren't correct, then what I do doesn't have much meaning. And likewise if I don't allow time for the meaningful things in life I have wasted an opportunity.

It doesn't come down to blaming anyone else for things I do. Like what much of this country is so keen to do. I have accountability for my own actions. I take responsibility for them. If I procrastinate then I deserve the craziness that is sure to follow. 

Nobody forced me to waste time and nobody else made me miss the opportunity to help.

Fortunately I think I am finally getting the hang of time management and I can soon have ample time for everything. But that is still a work in progress. 

My classes continue to plow ahead through the semester with little or no chance of slowing down. I have many assignments that I need to finish and that takes up several hours per assignment. But I don't mind. I love the field I have chosen to go into. Drafting and Design is something I will always love I think.

But again, If I waste the weekend, which happens more often than not it's a mad scramble on Sunday night to finish everything. Have I learned... No.

I love that life is meant to be lived. Granted we cant live everything at once and I sure wouldn't want to. But every stage in life brings it's own challenges and blessings. 

I am so grateful for where I am today. I have made so many friends that I would never have known. And they make me a better person, or rather I choose to be a better person because of them. 

Never underestimate the power of influence you have on those around you. I know its cliche to say this but it still rings true.

To the world you may just be somebody, but to somebody you may be the world.

I have experienced both ends of that simple yet profound statement. I have felt lost in a sea of humanity and because of a few very special people I was given a new direction and a new purpose. On the flip side, I have had many dark days in my short life and yet because of those trials and because I had help to not quit, I have been able to help others that have felt similar things.

One last thing, before I quit my soapbox of a post. The storms in life are not always visible on a persons face. Don't judge what you can't see. The happiest person could have gone through a hurricane the day before and you would never know it if you dismiss them as too happy or perfect. 

One thing I wish would increase instead of decreasing throughout the world, it that people learn to look for the best in people. They look at the best possible potential others have. We all want to have people give us the benefit of the doubt and to help us excel... but why should I be able to excel and yet others are not given that same chance due to race or background or something trivial that in the long run does not matter.

You always find what you are looking for...

so why not look for the best?

Hopscotch

Hopscotch

Ever have one of those days where everything is fine then out of the blue a meltdown occurs? Yeah that was me yesterday. 

Looking back on it though, we all are hopping through life on one foot, just like a game of hopscotch. Different struggles and trials all add to the game board and we find ourselves hopping along trying to win without falling over. 

At times it is all we can do to just stay standing and at other times we want to give up. 

You know, my life hasn't been perfect. Sure it may look perfect from the outside but that is the flaw with looking in on others and comparing ourselves to them. We see them as perfect and when we compare our flaws to their perceived perfection the only thing we get in return is heartache and disappointment.

Yesterday I had a peek at where I had been several years ago. Deep in the dark pit that is depression. It is impossible for anybody to understand what it is like without experiencing it. But I would never in my right mind wish that pain on anyone. 

But picture if you can, the most terrifying moment you have ever experienced in your life, then picture the saddest you have ever been then add worry and doubt and squash them all together. You end up with one ugly monster. 

There are ways to keep the monster contained... medication, therapy, keeping busy but it never really goes away. It is always lurking, watching and waiting for the right moment. The moment when you are at your most vulnerable and it's often too late before you realize it's loose.
Fortunately, there are ways to combat this monster. The Lord has provided a way to escape any and all trials in this world. Each escape is different for each trial and through painful experiences we learn how to overcome.

I'm not trying to make anybody feel sorry for me, just to understand that if I have a bad day, it isn't a normal bad day. It isn't normal in any sense. So if I have ever offended you when I have been in such a mood, then I am deeply sorry.


So in that game of hopscotch that is life, when we have been left behind and we sit on the ground and just cry, (We've all had those days whether or not we have actually shed tears) When life just doesn't seem fair and everything seems to be going wrong...

Storms are gathering all around us and we wish we didn't have to go through it. We have to remember something very important, no... not just important... something crucial to our success. 

We are not alone.

The gospel in my life has given me the strength to go on. To know that the atonement of my Savior Jesus Christ is all encompassing, even for my own shortcomings and mistakes. He knows everything we have ever gone through and everything we will go through. He knows that sometimes I feel 3" tall. He knows that I feel inadequate and nearly worthless. 

Most importantly He knows me. He knows my name just as He knows each and every person on this earth. He lives and loves me and will always be there to help me back on my feet and give me a nudge in the right direction.

It doesn't matter what you believe, it doesn't matter if you disagree with me on religion or my view of Diety. What matters is that in our hour of need when we think He has abandoned us, when we feel all hope is lost and there is no point in continuing...

He is there.

He is always there. He is constant and will never fail us when we turn to him. He doesn't leave our lives, but He won't stop us from moving away from Him. 

That is our choice.

I love my Father in Heaven and my Savior Jesus Christ. I know they live and love us. I know they want us to be happy and I know they have a plan for every single one of us. They know what we can become and if we are true and faithful and try our best to keep the commandments and have love one for another then we will be happy. Truly happy.

Hopscotch... Not just a little kids game anymore... 


At least not for me...