Going the Distance

I'm such a wishy washy emotional spaz. My life is filled with ups and downs just like everyone else, so why does it seem so unmanageable?

Lately... I have felt like giving up. Life has lost the wonder and magic that it once held for me. 

But it's my fault. 

Or rather I feel like it is. But I can't just flip a switch and be happy. Although believe me I would like to. I wish it were that easy. I was listening to music earlier and the theme from Disneys Hercules came on, the words hit me.

I have often dreamed,
Of a far off place,
Where a great warm welcome,
Will be waiting for me.

Where the crowds will cheer,
When they see my face,
And a voice keeps saying,
'This is where I'm meant to be'.

I will find my way,
I can go the distance,
I'll be there someday,
If I can be strong,
I know every mile,
Will be worth my while,
I would go most anywhere,
to feel like I belong.

After the song was over I realized something that I will probably forget in several hours. I realized that most of my problems stem from selfishness. It's always about me. My problems, My fears, MY MY MY! I have apart time job in which I have the amazing opportunity to help others. When I am not self centered and focused on what is wrong in my life, and instead focus my energies on helping others succeed that is when I forget the pain, I forget how crappy my day might have been and all my problems seem insignificant.

I look at the news and every day there are more problems and more issues debated and discussed but everyones focus is on the wrong solution. Politicians say that laws are passed to protect others and help others... is it? Or is it what can I get, how can I benefit or what is in it for me? 

From someone that wishes for nothing more than the help of others, happiness does not come from the outside. Attention, praise and material gifts aren't worth a brass button. 

Accolades and fame all fade.

What becomes immortal? Examples of integrity or lack thereof. When we think of the great people in history most come from the ideals and beliefs they held. That is what makes a man great. Not how much is in his bank account.

I may not be an expert in media and entertainment, but when motion pictures first came out, there were actors that were the cream of the crop. They were the Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie of their day. Do we remember them? No.

Past presidents, the ones we remember are the ones that fought for ideals. Washington, Lincoln, Roosevelt etc. all had one thing in common. They fought for something more substantial than money or fame. Leaders that are truly servants of the people will be better remembered than any scandal or political agenda.

Bad things happen. Point blank, case closed. But they are not necessarily the fault of anyone. When did we stop caring for victims of tragedy and focus on who can I sue for money to ease MY pain. 

We all have one life to live. My life is riddled with challenges that I wish I could give up and walk away from. Does that make me broken or weak? No. I am who I am because of the struggles and trials I have faced. I have the choice every day of giving up or rising for the ashes and working to overcome what I face and there by prove to myself that I can and will succeed.

THE LORD IS ALWAYS MINDFUL

THE LORD IS ALWAYS MINDFUL

Wow has my life blown apart the last little while. I won't go into specifics since it's all personal. But needless to say, my emotional state is very fragile. One day I can be happy and on cloud nine and then without warning I can be lower than low.

I won't lie, It sucks!

But through all the times of doubt and trial, I know someone is watching over me. Sending me friends when I need them most, Sending family and even random strangers to wish you a great day. 

Trials are not meant to drag you down and bury you alive. Although they can feel like that most of the time and you wonder and worry how will I ever get out from underneath them. There is only one way to emerge from trials victorious and with the lessons you needed to learn.

That's with the Lord.

He strengthens the weary arms that have carried burdens for so many years. He helps you stand when you no longer have the strength and He comforts when the arrows of the world have pierced your soul.

He knows what trials and struggles we all face, but he waits to help us until we ask him. Unfair you may say... Cruel you may say... Actually it is very wise indeed.

He knows that we need Him, He is willing to give us the chance to find that out for ourselves. I find it interesting that even the staunchest Athiest, when faced with a something so overwhelming and nearly hopeless will at one point offer a prayer to a loving Father they never wanted to know before.

Just as a child can learn from his/her parents, I have had to rely on my Savior and my Father in Heaven for strength to face the day. I know without a shadow of doubt, that I am still alive today because of them. I have seen miracles in my life. Miracles that only come because I have faith in them. Faith that they will always be there and that they are mindful of me and my trials and that I matter to them.

If I matter to them, how much do you matter to them? More than you can ever imagine. On days when you want to give up... or just cannot go on... they are always near and will help you in ways that matter the most. It may not be material, but it is immeasurable.

There is beauty all around us, if we only stop and take the time to realize all we have and how it can disappear within a matter of seconds.

Treasure life...
Treasure those closest to you...
And know you are worth it!

Change in the Wind

Change in the wind

I seriously don't know what is up with me lately. I have been so moody and easily depressed. Granted I know I have a major issue with depression and things of that sort but it just seems like I could slip into a sad day at any moment. Let me tell you... It Sucks!!! Big Time!

Medication doesn't seem to help lately and other pick me ups seem like a temporary band-aid instead of knocking some sense in me to be happy and carefree. 

To those of you that read this, It really is just ramblings. Whatever I happen to be feeling that day is what I write about... scary? yes. Depressing... Yes although only lately.

But I have a theory.

Every time I have major changes quickly approaching in my life, I tend to shut down. I am much more pensive, constantly looking inward and never finding qualities to justify the good that happens in my life. I begin writing more, anything and everything I feel I just spill onto pages that will never be read again because I know that emotionally I am a train wreck waiting to happen.

I'm sure my friends notice but I tend to hide, I don't want attention and the last thing I want yet I desperately need is someone to talk things through with. I know there are many others out there that feel the same things I do. That is part of being human and learning to rely upon others. This life is much to short to travel and struggle through alone. 

Yet I'm not sure I believe it. 

I have always felt that my problems and trials are for me to deal with and I can't bring myself to burden others with things I feel. Yes I realize that is what counselors are for but even worse than burdening my friends, is trusting my fears and insecurities to a complete stranger. Especially in the world we live in. Secrets are no longer safe in the professional world. 

Ethics and moral conduct are replaced by how can I use this to propel my career and bring down rivals? Its disgusting and sad. I promise that is my only rant on this post. I don't have the spitfire attitude today and I am barely making it through the day.

But back to my theory, I know I have digressed majorly. but anyway. In the coming months I will be graduating with my first degree and then I face an unknown future. I know where I am going to go but how can I leave everything I've known? How can I face the future with such courage as I have seen all my friends do? I know that I am a creature of habit and I am very comfortable being well within my comfort zone. Anything beyond that I try to avoid. 

It reminds me of a story I had heard several years ago.

A father was walking along the beach with his young daughter. They spent all day at the beach and now as it was approaching sunset, the sky was ablaze with various shades of pink, orange and gold as the last rays of the setting sun ran through the clouds like fingers in the sand.

"Isn't that the most beautiful sunset you have seen?" The father asked.
"I only see brown." His daughter replied.
Naturally this caught the father off guard. "Look at the reds and golds of the sun, it is incredible."
"Nope just brown." The little girl replied. Her father looked down at her and she was holding a tiny pebble up to her eye and that was the only thing she could see.

We are like that so many times. I know I am. I look at all my problems instead of focusing on the blessings I have been given by my Father in Heaven. He has created so many things and yet all I see is the brown of my problems. Which when I have eventually overcome them, they become just a tiny pebble.

Life is meant to be enjoyed. The unknown is exciting and different. As I have faith in my Father in Heaven, He will never let me fall.

And trust and friendship and important to me, even if I have problems. But deep down the way I see it is...

We are all one winged angels, and the reason we have one wing, is because we need each other to fly.

So let Him help you fly...

Looking in the Mirror

Looking in the Mirror

My life has just gotten busier and busier. But a good kind of busy. My life is school and school is my life. Other than that I don't have much time for anything. 

I am a tutor for the college and I love helping others. I have the capacity and capability to do so much good but it's all about time management and priorities. If my priorities aren't correct, then what I do doesn't have much meaning. And likewise if I don't allow time for the meaningful things in life I have wasted an opportunity.

It doesn't come down to blaming anyone else for things I do. Like what much of this country is so keen to do. I have accountability for my own actions. I take responsibility for them. If I procrastinate then I deserve the craziness that is sure to follow. 

Nobody forced me to waste time and nobody else made me miss the opportunity to help.

Fortunately I think I am finally getting the hang of time management and I can soon have ample time for everything. But that is still a work in progress. 

My classes continue to plow ahead through the semester with little or no chance of slowing down. I have many assignments that I need to finish and that takes up several hours per assignment. But I don't mind. I love the field I have chosen to go into. Drafting and Design is something I will always love I think.

But again, If I waste the weekend, which happens more often than not it's a mad scramble on Sunday night to finish everything. Have I learned... No.

I love that life is meant to be lived. Granted we cant live everything at once and I sure wouldn't want to. But every stage in life brings it's own challenges and blessings. 

I am so grateful for where I am today. I have made so many friends that I would never have known. And they make me a better person, or rather I choose to be a better person because of them. 

Never underestimate the power of influence you have on those around you. I know its cliche to say this but it still rings true.

To the world you may just be somebody, but to somebody you may be the world.

I have experienced both ends of that simple yet profound statement. I have felt lost in a sea of humanity and because of a few very special people I was given a new direction and a new purpose. On the flip side, I have had many dark days in my short life and yet because of those trials and because I had help to not quit, I have been able to help others that have felt similar things.

One last thing, before I quit my soapbox of a post. The storms in life are not always visible on a persons face. Don't judge what you can't see. The happiest person could have gone through a hurricane the day before and you would never know it if you dismiss them as too happy or perfect. 

One thing I wish would increase instead of decreasing throughout the world, it that people learn to look for the best in people. They look at the best possible potential others have. We all want to have people give us the benefit of the doubt and to help us excel... but why should I be able to excel and yet others are not given that same chance due to race or background or something trivial that in the long run does not matter.

You always find what you are looking for...

so why not look for the best?

Hopscotch

Hopscotch

Ever have one of those days where everything is fine then out of the blue a meltdown occurs? Yeah that was me yesterday. 

Looking back on it though, we all are hopping through life on one foot, just like a game of hopscotch. Different struggles and trials all add to the game board and we find ourselves hopping along trying to win without falling over. 

At times it is all we can do to just stay standing and at other times we want to give up. 

You know, my life hasn't been perfect. Sure it may look perfect from the outside but that is the flaw with looking in on others and comparing ourselves to them. We see them as perfect and when we compare our flaws to their perceived perfection the only thing we get in return is heartache and disappointment.

Yesterday I had a peek at where I had been several years ago. Deep in the dark pit that is depression. It is impossible for anybody to understand what it is like without experiencing it. But I would never in my right mind wish that pain on anyone. 

But picture if you can, the most terrifying moment you have ever experienced in your life, then picture the saddest you have ever been then add worry and doubt and squash them all together. You end up with one ugly monster. 

There are ways to keep the monster contained... medication, therapy, keeping busy but it never really goes away. It is always lurking, watching and waiting for the right moment. The moment when you are at your most vulnerable and it's often too late before you realize it's loose.
Fortunately, there are ways to combat this monster. The Lord has provided a way to escape any and all trials in this world. Each escape is different for each trial and through painful experiences we learn how to overcome.

I'm not trying to make anybody feel sorry for me, just to understand that if I have a bad day, it isn't a normal bad day. It isn't normal in any sense. So if I have ever offended you when I have been in such a mood, then I am deeply sorry.


So in that game of hopscotch that is life, when we have been left behind and we sit on the ground and just cry, (We've all had those days whether or not we have actually shed tears) When life just doesn't seem fair and everything seems to be going wrong...

Storms are gathering all around us and we wish we didn't have to go through it. We have to remember something very important, no... not just important... something crucial to our success. 

We are not alone.

The gospel in my life has given me the strength to go on. To know that the atonement of my Savior Jesus Christ is all encompassing, even for my own shortcomings and mistakes. He knows everything we have ever gone through and everything we will go through. He knows that sometimes I feel 3" tall. He knows that I feel inadequate and nearly worthless. 

Most importantly He knows me. He knows my name just as He knows each and every person on this earth. He lives and loves me and will always be there to help me back on my feet and give me a nudge in the right direction.

It doesn't matter what you believe, it doesn't matter if you disagree with me on religion or my view of Diety. What matters is that in our hour of need when we think He has abandoned us, when we feel all hope is lost and there is no point in continuing...

He is there.

He is always there. He is constant and will never fail us when we turn to him. He doesn't leave our lives, but He won't stop us from moving away from Him. 

That is our choice.

I love my Father in Heaven and my Savior Jesus Christ. I know they live and love us. I know they want us to be happy and I know they have a plan for every single one of us. They know what we can become and if we are true and faithful and try our best to keep the commandments and have love one for another then we will be happy. Truly happy.

Hopscotch... Not just a little kids game anymore... 


At least not for me...

Busy with a dash of Politics

Busy with a dash of politics

Wow! has my life gotten busy within the past two weeks. Instead of relaxing and doing homework at leisure, my afternoons are filling up. Good thing that they are worth while activities and events instead of wasting my time doing nothing.

Let me explain... no there is too much let me sum up:

I am now, a full-time student, a school tutor, the department rep for the Engineering Graphics and Design Technology Department, and am working on competing in the SkillsUSA organization. On Thursday I took a technical math test and on Tuesday I will be competing in a 4 hour Architecture competition. So in between homework and classes and meeting and things I have to do at home, I get to study. Even if I don't place in either the Technical Math or the Architecture, I will be competing with the Parliamentary Procedure team. I did it last year and it was a blast.

So that will add 1-2 hour practices once a week from now until the end of June. Then I get the joy of transferring schools  and working toward my ultimate goal of becoming an Architect. Busy busy busy... But I like it.

I love being able to create things and make things with my hands that I was able to picture in my mind. Nothing is better or more satisfactory than that.Especially in today's world. Everybody wants something for nothing. What a load of BS! People today need to suck it up or shut up. Life isn't champagne and caviar,(even though I think caviar is gross and alcohol needs to be "un-invented".) They need a better saying. Hmm... well I'd prefer a hamburger and fries any day of the week. But saying life is like a burger and fries doesn't exactly scream class.

Oh well...

Anyway, my train of thought is derailed yet again.

Oh yes, fortunately for you few who are reading this, I don't like talking about politics or the left liberal movement. I am a conservative and proud of it. I believe morals need to be taught by the parents and that parents need a more active role in their childrens lives. Why is our country going downhill? Why do we have so many problems? Because children are not being taught responsibility and respect by their parents.

But that's all I'll say on that, maybe someday I will have a post on my views of politics and gain MANY enemies since people sit behind their computer screens and type anything that comes into their minds and don't have the common sense to filter their minds and be nice to each other.

Anyway, again I'm off my soapbox.

So my weight loss is going along GREAT! I've been going two weeks and have lost 15 lbs. and for all the naysayers and "That's not healthy" blah blah blah. I am doing this under a doctors supervision, so cram it.

Until next time... Rantings of a crazy person remember

Oh and if you get offended by anything I say, you didn't have to read it and if people can say all the crude opinions on the street, I can voice mine. The 1st amendment does not just apply to those is power.

Eggplant and Applesauce

Weird title yes... Why? Got you to start reading didn't it? :)

Honestly it just popped into my head and that's what it is.

Ok, onto some minor update(s),
So I have been on my diet for the past 5 days with exercise thrown in sporadically. As in sporadically throughout the day not that I exercise sporadically. Anyway, my latest weigh in is 5 pounds less than when I started. YAY! Already it's off to a great start.

So some of the people reading this may now that I am currently finishing up my last semester at UVU. It's been fun, I've been able to make a lot of friends and have a really good time. Which honestly is the complete opposite of what I was expecting when I got home from my mission. I hated... no that's not strong enough... I LOATHED UVU. I thought it was the worst school on the planet. You can add your own grumblings and gripings here ____________________________. 

Ok that's enough. But had I not gone back to UVU, I would never have had the opportunities that I've have. I've traveled around the world, I've become a national champion in parliamentary procedure. So many doors and opportunities have come about because of it. But I don't want to have this entire post about UVU.

I've been getting more involved with the student government and really seen what is happening at UVU and it's exciting. I can't even tell you how exciting it is. Anyway I'm rambling... Surprised? You shouldn't be with the title of my blog being the Ramblings of a Crazy Person!

Derailed!

I've been thinking of what will happen after this semester is over. My plan is to transfer to another school and earn a bachelors and then eventually go on for a masters. A lot of schooling still to be done, that is for sure. It's just mind boggling that it's already been 3 years since I've been home and now the next step in my life is about to start.

We'll see if my plan is what the Lord wants for me. If it isn't I know He will let me know one way or another. Just gotta have faith. Faith in Him and that everything will work out.

Another comment is that I love to write. I can write for hours and really not say much. Or I can write for a few minutes and write more than I thought I would, if that makes any sense.

But I have been working on a book for the past 10-ish years and I know this year it will finally be done and I can send it off for publication. But I had a major breakthrough today as I was listening to the music from Wicked. 

Which by the way, I absolutely LOVE that musical. I was so bummed that I couldn't go see it when it came here. But I promised myself that one day I will go to see it and I will love it that much more. So if anybody hasn't listened to the music (I would be appalled but I know people that hate or rather dislike them) I strongly recommend Wicked.

Where was I? tangent central today isn't it? Ok so the big breakthrough is that I finally figured out how to splice the first part of my story with the second and much darker portion. When I say story I really mean that this is intended to be a series. right now I have enough to make a trilogy with the one portion of the entire thing. 

Maybe it's grown too big? 
My biggest fear is that people will rip it to shreds and hate it. But I figure that if I could get it published, what an accomplishment! And I'm just happy it's not another vampire/werewolf book. There has been way too many vampire books and series in the last several years.  

Give me Elves and Dwarves any day!

January 10, 2013

Last year was an adventure, not necessarily a good one though. Many people lost their homes, the government still can't figure out how self-control and self-discipline work and troubles abound throughout the world and even right here at home.

Not very optimistic is it?

But 2013 promises to be such a great year. I say that because in my opinion, the year is what you make it.

New years resolutions have been made, any many have probably been broken by January 2... I can honestly say I haven't written mine down yet and so I haven't broken them yet.

I don't plan to break them this year. This year is the year I will move out of my parents home, I will graduate with my associate degree from Utah Valley University, and by the way, if anyone says anything bad about UVU, they don't know the wonderful things that go on in that school. I could go off on some things I've heard however, I actually want people coming back to read my posts not listen to tirades of opinions on very heated questions.

So, where was I?

Oh yes, the biggest thing (and I don't say that lightly) that I will accomplish this year, Rather the biggest thing I will lose, is the excess weight I have been carrying around with me ever since I was little. I know my last blog was all about weight loss and that quickly fizzled out like a cheap firework. But I start tomorrow on a planned out way to lose weight with a doctor keeping tabs on my progress.

Most importantly, I want anybody that reads this to hold me accountable. At the end, when I get to a healthy weight I will post all the info, including my starting weight... scary I know. 

But this IS the year of change. Personal change. My change. both planned changes and unexpected changes, what the Lord has in store for me this year is beyond my knowledge, but I can feel that it will be great.

Thanks everybody and I look forward to a fantastic year!

Here's to 2013!